What Even Is Normal?
It’s normal to wonder, “Am I in a healthy relationship?” Relationships can be complicated, and it’s possible to love someone yet feel uneasy or unsure. If this is you, use this guide to reflect, but know it isn’t definitive. Missing some signs doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. It may mean it’s time to ask questions or consult a therapist for guidance.
Ask Yourself These Questions
- Do you feel safe? You feel safe when you’re together. In a healthy relationship, partners don’t threaten, scare, or try to control each other.
- How do you work through disagreements? Every couple disagrees. What matters is how you resolve these disagreements. Healthy couples don’t avoid or dismiss issues. They might briefly take space before coming together to discuss and solve problems.
- Do you each have your own identity? You both maintain your friends, hobbies, and interests. You support each other’s independence. Time apart doesn’t trigger anxiety about what the other is doing.
- Are you supportive of one another’s growth? Healthy partners cheer each other on. They encourage each other to do well at work, in school, or with personal goals. There’s no jealousy or putting each other down. When one person succeeds, it feels like a win for both.
- Do you listen to one another? When one of you speaks, the other listens. You might not always agree, but you strive to understand each other. Conversations aren’t about winning. They focus on connection and ensuring both feel heard.
- Is responsibility shared? Both partners invest in the relationship. One person doesn’t carry all the weight. You might contribute differently (maybe one cooks while the other cleans), but it feels fair, not lopsided.
- Can you be your whole or true self? You can share your thoughts and feelings without worrying about how your partner will react. They don’t try to change you or make you feel bad for being yourself.
- Is the joking respectful and uplifting? You don’t use each other as punchlines or tease about vulnerabilities. Humor brings you closer and leaves you feeling good, not ashamed or embarrassed.
- Do you communicate directly? You talk about problems with your partner, not through someone else. There isn’t triangulation. You don’t speak badly about your partner to friends or family, and you don’t use children to pass messages between you.
- Do you feel mostly good? No relationship is perfect, but most of the time you feel calm, valued, cared for, and loved. You rarely, if ever, feel anxious, confused, or afraid of your partner or the relationship.
Signs Things May Be Unhealthy
If your relationship doesn’t match many of these signs, you might want to ask yourself:
- Am I afraid to speak up?
- Do I feel controlled or isolated?
- Am I frequently put down, blamed, or criticized?
- Do I constantly worry about doing or saying the wrong thing to my partner?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be time to look more closely at your relationship and consider getting extra support.
Considering Couples and/or Individual Therapy
You don’t have to wait until things are really bad to ask for help. Many people try couples therapy at various points in the relationship. Couples therapy can help you improve communication, rebuild trust, heal after a betrayal, prepare for marriage, or get closer emotionally.
However, if there is abuse in your relationship, like physical violence, threats, coercion, or control, couples therapy usually isn’t recommended. Joint sessions can sometimes make things worse. In these cases, it’s better to start with individual therapy. If you’re not sure whether your relationship is unhealthy or abusive, meeting one-on-one with a licensed therapist can help you figure things out. You don’t need to have all the answers or a label for your relationship to get support.
Overall, you deserve a relationship with clarity, support, and safety.
