Many people in my office and in my life tell me about feeling like something is “wrong” with them. People describe racking their mind with all of their missteps or mistakes, trying to figure out a plan to fix everything. It is overwhelming.
This is a common phenomenon. Our brain is trying to motivate us and problem solve when it identifies everything we have done wrong or not good enough. But what is the impact? Do we usually get more done? Do we learn from our reflections? It depends.
Self-reflection is different than self-criticism. Getting the whole picture is going to look much different if we are consciously reflecting with curiosity rather than if we are unconsciously reflecting to confirm our pre-existing belief that we are not good enough and need to be hard on ourselves to change. Consider the following questions we might ask ourselves when we are getting the whole picture. Before you read them in your head, imagine the tone of voice in your head is curious and encouraging. Then read them while imagining the tone is judgmental and disgusted.
Self Reflection Vs. Self Criticism
Here are some questions to get the whole picture. (Remember the tone can make these questions helpful or harmful).
What did I try?
What was the context?
Am I avoiding something?
What did I learn, or what might I be learning?
When can I start this change I want to make? What is a manageable next step?
What have others said?
What help do I need?
Why do I believe I can improve? How do mistakes inform me?
Is doing this adding value to my life or something I feel like I am supposed to do in life?
etc.
Hopefully you read through these questions and felt the difference tone makes. It hits different, doesn’t it? Everyone makes mistakes, and reflecting and changing are important aspects of growth. However, negative self-appraisals and shaming ourselves alone does not lead to sustainable change.
Humans find change aversive on a fundamental level. Change is uncomfortable. There are risks. The future is uncertain. Taking action does not always lead to the outcome we want, especially not often on the first try. This can be highly discouraging. Learning or doing something new is usually frustrating before it is rewarding. That is normal. It’s a natural part of growth, and yet in our heads we berate ourselves and take it personally so often.
Take caution with shame. Unchecked shame is the underlying reason why you feel like something is “wrong” with you. The intention of shame is to remind ourselves that we don’t like how we feel so that we do better. But often the impact of shame is we don’t believe we can do enough, so we become paralyzed. So drained from fighting against ourselves that we have little left to give to our aspirations.
There’s a lot more to this shame stuff. Here’s a quick peek into it for the psychology nerds like me. It starts really early in our development, like as early as infancy. When we are young, we can’t understand how complex the world is and when something bad happens in the environment around us, the only way our brain can make sense of it is that we must have caused it. To make matters worse, many of us are actually taught by our caregivers, whether it’s consciously or unconsciously, to be ashamed of ourselves. Our whole world view is just what we see from our own perspective at that point. This is called egocentrism. Fun fact: we go through a second stage of egocentrism as teenagers.
Encouragement is really helpful, and borderline necessary for us to endure the challenge and discomfort of change. Recognize what you have learned. Wow, you are getting smarter! Recognize progress you have attained. Wow, you are capable! Recognize barriers you are facing. Wow, you are brave! Recognize unexpected challenges and how you problem solved. Wow, you are adaptive!
It is so easy for us to convince ourselves or to be convinced by others that we do not deserve praise or encouragement until everything is perfect. But rewarding your abilities and effort long before perfection is not only more realistic, it will also keep you going and allow you to recognize growth even when it looks different than you might have expected. Yes, we do things that are “wrong” but that does not exactly mean the same thing as there is something “wrong” with us. Thomas Edison once said, “I never once failed at making a light bulb, I just found out 99 ways not to make one.” Thank goodness he kept trying and used his mistakes to inform his next attempts.
Many of us need help to change the way we are used to doing things, even when we know the way we are used to doing things isn’t working. Talking to friends, reading, new experiences, and going to therapy are all ways to get help. Therapy can help you change the way you change. Therapy can also help you understand why your brain does the automatic things it does and learn new ways to regulate your brain and body.
If you are inclined to do so, reach out to me or another qualified therapist here in Kansas City. And at Heartland Therapy Connection, we love to help people do better, meet their goals, and process the stuff that is keeping them in old patterns that aren’t helpful anymore.
