The holiday season, whether celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, or Winter Solstice, is often associated with joy and togetherness. However, it can also bring about feelings of enmeshment, where boundaries blur, and personal space becomes elusive. Overcoming enmeshment during this festive time is crucial for maintaining individual well-being and fostering healthier relationships. Your longings for warmth and connectedness are good, and the pain of disappointment you have faced in previous years is normal, too. In this blog, we’ll explore practical strategies to navigate and overcome enmeshment, ensuring you a more joyful and fulfilling holiday experience.
Understanding Enmeshment
Enmeshment occurs when individuals have poorly defined boundaries, leading to a lack of distinction between their feelings and those of others. During the holidays, heightened emotions, family dynamics, and societal expectations can intensify enmeshment, potentially causing stress and emotional turmoil. Typically, there may be a 48-hour rule, where even the most functional families face dysfunction or hardship after two days of being together non-stop. This may be even harder to reach with enmeshed families and may look like an hour, a few, or even less. With this in mind, let’s look at typical dynamics in enmeshed families.
Unique Dynamics of Enmeshed Systems:
- Increased expectations to sacrifice personal needs for the sake of family connectivity.
- Pressure of guilt and obligation, often internalized through a set of rules.
- Potential displays of anger, pouting, criticism, and gossip in enmeshed systems.
- Proximity to family members may pressure individuals to conform to a role supporting the family system but may compromise individual autonomy.
Often, there is an increased expectation from family or yourself to be there for others. This might look like sacrificing yourself for others or your romantic partnership (throwing them under the bus) for connection (or maintenance of enmeshment) with family and friends. Stay sober in your thinking that the expectation of sacrifice to maintain how your family typically functions may be heightened during the holiday season.
When it comes to an increased pressure of guilt and obligation, this is likely due to an internalized set of rules (e.g., “I can’t do that” or “they don’t allow it”). The question is, how does your family not allow it? What is the history, and what are the embedded rules your family has internalized in you like a belief system? Be on your toes and curious while also extending grace to yourself that it makes sense that you would internalize such beliefs because of the context and storyline of your family.
Proximity to siblings or parents may create situations that pressure you to behave in a way that supports the other person or the system (family). At the same time, it does not serve your autonomy as an individual. Be prepared for the pressure to take on a specific role in the family to see the enmeshed family through the stress of the holiday.
Acceptance of the Reality of Enmeshment
Accept your family’s reality and be prepared for historic behaviors and relational dynamics. Take in your family for what it is. This does not mean demonizing your family members, but it means seeing the facts of how your family members are presenting themselves. There also may be a temptation to manage how others view you at the cost of your well-being. Instead, consider a willingness to be misperceived and free yourself from the judgments of others. Develop a tolerance for disappointment and recognize that love should not be transactional within families. Transactional love is a telltale sign of enmeshment in families. Love and family relationships in health do not present as transactional or obligatory. Instead, love and connectedness are freely given entirely without a certain payment. Acceptance does not mean delighting in the situation but acknowledging the present moment without stubbornness or willfulness. Radical acceptance is complete, considering a situation’s emotional and rational facts.
You can have the boundary internally without even explicitly mentioning your boundary by maintaining this posture and philosophy of acceptance. Acceptance does not mean you delight in it but can accept the present moment for what it is in a way that is not stubborn or willful.
Setting Clear Boundaries on the Holidays
The first step in overcoming enmeshment is setting clear boundaries. Communicate your needs and expectations with family and loved ones, specifying personal space requirements and discussing off-limit topics. By asserting boundaries, you create a healthier framework for interaction. If you don’t, you will compromise, likely leading to trouble for you. You can commit to this boundary of not giving into relationships that have often been enmeshed even before the holiday event, dinner, Christmas, etc. You do not need to wait to set your heart to care for your welfare. You can role-play or even practice on phone calls with family members before the event or text messaging the parent/sibling member. Etc.
Stay away from any confrontations or historic grievances. Don’t let yourself be baited by divisive topics like politics or sports. The primary goal is for you to enjoy your holiday first and then for your family to have a good holiday second. It may be helpful to think over three hot topics in the family. How can you exit out of such conversations verbally, explicitly, implicitly, and possibly even physically? To move on from a heated discussion may require diplomacy.
- Commit to maintaining personal boundaries without compromising your well-being.
- Practice setting boundaries before holiday events through role-playing or discussions.
- “Let’s move on to another conversation.”
- “I don’t want to talk about it; let’s focus on the holidays.”
- Excuse yourself. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take a step back from the situation.
- Validate that they see things differently and defer not going there or unpacking it now.
- Clearly define boundaries regarding time and conversations, and be prepared with an exit plan if needed.
Relationship Plan with Partner/Spouse:
Coordinate with your partner/spouse ahead of time. Avoid throwing them under the bus and deal with reality on its terms, not idealistically. If out of town, consider staying in a hotel to maintain personal space. Celebrate the holidays for yourselves and create traditions that prioritize your well-being. Amidst holiday preparations, prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that recharge your energy, such as reading, walking, or practicing mindfulness. Recognize that self-care is fundamental for emotional well-being, and it’s not selfish to prioritize it.
Cultivating Independence and Planned Rituals for Connections:
Encourage family members to engage in independent activities during the holidays. Foster individual hobbies, time with friends, or solo outings. Independence allows each individual to maintain a sense of self, reducing the risk of enmeshment. While boundaries are crucial, create positive rituals for connection. Plan activities that bring joy and strengthen family bonds without compromising individual autonomy. Foster positive connections through game nights, cooking together, or sharing stories to balance dynamics and reduce enmeshment.
Seeking Professional Support this Holiday Season
Overcoming enmeshment during the holidays requires intentional effort and communication. Individuals can navigate the holiday season with greater ease and joy by setting clear boundaries, prioritizing self-care, cultivating independence, fostering open communication, creating positive rituals, and seeking professional support when needed. Ultimately, a balanced approach to relationships and self-care contributes to a more fulfilling and harmonious holiday experience.
If enmeshment issues persist or are deeply rooted, seeking professional support can be invaluable. Family therapy or individual counseling provides a safe environment to explore the underlying problems, develop coping strategies, and establish healthier patterns of interaction. We would be honored to meet with you to support you this holiday season at Heartland Therapy Connection! Feel free to contact us with any questions or to get scheduled with someone on our team!
